This ain’t rock’n’roll...This is...YULETIDE!!!

(Updated For 2016)

'Classic Christmas Songs' - there's a certain oxymoronic value to that phrase. The usual image of Christmas pop music tends to give unwanted promenance to gaudy knitted sweaters, a preponderance of sleigh bells / chimes / kids choirs (delete as and when your hatred boils to the appropriate level), Cliff Richard - I'll stop now lest the combined explosions of outrage dislodge the Earth from its orbit.

This is, however, just another example of where The Man has popular culture by the baubles, telling us we actually welcome this stuff because of the amounts in which we buy them - when of course the 'record buying population' is always disproportionately swelled at Christmas BY people who do what adverts and tv shows tell them, then go to Tesco for their yearly music purchase. With a little digging, the odd venture beyond the beaten track, a much more rewarding and enlightening Christmas musical experience can be found. One that reflects more of what its all supposed to really be ab.......sorry, no, even I can't carry off that level of schmaltz ...

And let me please point out, this is just a personal selection - purposefully not using anything such as 'Best' or 'Greatest' in the title, it's not meant to be definitive, just those tunes I have collated over the years from various places, compilations, EPs, b-sides, even magazine freebies; some are seasonal staples, others original compositions, or less familiar versions of traditional fayre. Whichever, their annual dusting down is nigh. And yes, I will be attempting to insert as many bad Christmas puns as possible - you get an e-chocolate for every one you find; it's like an advent calendar, with a lower fat content and less entertainment value.

Ideally, it will lead people to add their own examples and favourites, and then it will be like we are all putting tunes into a giant virtual bran tub at the Music Bloggers Christmas party, where everyone gets a nice pressie. Then someone spikes the non-alcoholic punch with some of those alco-pops the kids like, half the group end up arguing about which Neil Young album is the best, and the rest are puking into various Metronomy promo sleeves (finding a use for them at last, who says there's never a miracle at Christmas?).

But back to the matter in hand....

Frosty The Snowman - The Ronettes

From arguably the best Christmas album going - you could pick everything from The Phil Spector Christmas Album and just stop there for a fantastic Christmas music experience. For me, it's the vocal that does it here - exuberant and powerful, elevating the nursery rhyme melody even higher than Spector could have expected with his production chicanery. In the days when I was forced to listen to music radio at work, I would loftily declare that Christmas could not start until I had heard this record played. Thankfully everyone ignored me and we all had a great time anyway.

From: A Christmas Gift For You

Released: 1963

Fairytale of New York - The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl

Ooooohhh!! Take a stand, Radical Man!!!! Ok, but I did say there would be standards, and sometimes you just have to accept what's right. Of course the narrative and the wonderful vocal gutter fight usually get the plaudits, but let's have due regard for the music, ranging from doleful paino, to Celtic strumming, and finishing in a string laden coda that is an apogee in human, let alone musical, achievement.

From: If I Should Fall From Grace With God

Released: 1987

I Was Born On Christmas Day - Saint Etienne feat. Tim Burgess

Sonically not particularly Christmassy at all, but a pounding disco stormer that doesn't even get hauled back by one of Burgess' more whiny vocals. The sound of the office party writ if not large, then all spangly and pumped up, summing up the 'last day of term' feeling with the lines "Getting groovy after Hallowe'en, / mid-November, got back on the scene. / I'm so glad that I just got my pay..".

From: Xmas 93' EP

Released: 1993

Another Lonely Christmas - Prince

A grand ballad detailing what appears to be a lost love but is actually a story of death and grief (probably closer to many people's family/in-laws Christmas dinner experience), taken along on lightly psyched-guitar and bluesy piano. It is dramatic and heartrending as the lamentation for the minutiae of lost love reveals its true basis in the lines "you promised me you'd never leave.... And then you died on the 25th day of December / .....as long as I can hear you smiling baby / You won't hear my tears / Another Lonely Christmas is mine". Sometimes turkey and James Bond just isn't enough for people, I guess.

From: I Would Die 4 U 12" single

Released: 1984

Spotlight On Christmas / What Are You Doing New Year's Eve - Rufus Wainwright

Double whammy from Rufus, taken from the wonderful McGarrigle Christmas Hour album where the family Wainwright get together and bash (to the extent that they ever 'bash' anything) out carols, standards and covers, as well as some new stuff. Spotlight On Christmas is one of those effortless Rufus numbers, killer vocal melodies delivered like he's falling off a (Christmas chocolate and Grand Marnier) log, whereas What Are You Doing New Year's Eve? covers the work of theatre/movie songwriter Frank Loesser. It's a gorgeous piece of balladeering, truly special songwriting.

From: The McGarrigle Christmas Hour

Released: 2005

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town - The Crystals

"Jimmy, I just came back from a lovely trip....." and I've brought some great big fuck-off sixties drums back with me. Oh and here's a honking, stonking sax solo from your Auntie Audrey. I still make sure I'm being good when I hear this record - you never know, it might not be me dad! (NB - special note for the Springsteen version too, for the general sense of exuberance and daffyness).

From: A Christmas Gift For You

Released: 1963

Happy Xmas (War Is Over) - John and Yoko & The Plastic Ono Band with The Harlem Community Choir

Just ignore the whispered soppiness at the start and we'll be ok. A song to prove that you could make the kind of sentiment espoused in Imagine not sound like the limpest sixth form poetry. It's uplifting, and yet even though 'War is over if you want it' seems naive, it serves as both noble ambition, and reminder of harsh reality. Crikey, got a bit deep there. I need more Baileys. Yoko's best ever vocal? I'll let you decide.

From: Single

Released: 1971 (US) ; 1972 (UK)

Little Saint Nick - The Beach Boys

Despite their obvious best intentions (well, adding sleigh bells) to make a Christmas tune, this still has California and surfing all over it - even when the "Run run reindeer" line comes in, you picture Rudolph running down the beach in red trunks with a red plastic thing on a piece of string tied to his antlers.

From: The Beach Boys Christmas Album

Released: 1964

The Christmas Song - The Raveonettes

Breathy, sexy, noir-y Chrimbo. Christmas in leather and chains. Santa in a gimp mask.

From: B side

Released: 2003

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year - Martha Wainwright

Another McGarrigle Hour cut, and Martha showing once again she's no footnote to the family album. As ever, it's no simple jolly seasonal tune, with its 'You're with your family and I'm alone' setting in the first verse, the specifics of the story told clearly showing this is observational rather than imaginative. She does wish everyone well, hoping they 'all have a good one this year', but you can't help feeling there's a middle digit aloft somewhere - and not just because there's a complicated chord coming up. Well, some people have shitty Christmasses, but they're still Christmasses all the same.

From: The McGarrigle Christmas Hour

Released: 2005

A Change At Christmas (Say It Isn't So) - The Flaming Lips

More ham at the beginning than your average Abbatoir workers party, but once more, the Lips turn sawdust into starlight. This is a lovely, spacey piece of work, melancholic but with that spark of hope you need to really feel it bite. (Note - apologies to vegetarian readers for the abbatoir line - you're quite right, a block of tofu with veggie sausages and nettle stuffing IS just as good on Christmas Day).

From: Ego Tripping At The Gates Of Hell EP

Released: 2003

Who Took The Merry Out Of Christmas - The Staple Singers

The soul/funk/r'n'b Christmas album was a feature of the 60s and 70s - there's tons of them - and this comes from the very top of the tree; one of the great soul/gospel voices of ALL time is Mavis. Trademark Staples groove intoning, as is their wont, the spiritual side of the season. You'll feel chastised, but in a soulful way.

From: The Ultimate Staple Singers: A Family Affair

Released: 1970

Let's Make Christmas Mean Something This Year parts 1&2 - James Brown

Something extra poignant here, of course, given Mr.Brown's passing on a Christmas Day. Everything you'd want from a James Brown Xmas - even better than a Charlie Brown Xmas!

From: James Brown Funky Christmas

Released: 1966

What Christmas Means To Me - Stevie Wonder

Stevie, Stevie, Stevie - short of having an early 70's Stevie Christmas album, there can be little better than spending some time with any of his Motown Christmas songs. Funky piano, excellent use of sleigh bells there, and of course the voice, makes this the pick of the bunch.

From: I Love Christmas

Released: 1967

Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow - Dean Martin

Every Christmas platter needs its cheese selection. And of course he could have me killed, even from beyond the grave. Let's just leave it at that.

From: Christmas With Dino

Released: 1965

It May Be Winter Outside (But In My Heart It's Spring) - Love Unlimited Orchestra

Produced by the Walrus of Love himself, a silky, liquid chocolate Christmas. Mmm, baby.......

From: The Best Of Love Unlimited

Released: 1973

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) - Darlene Love / Please Come Home For Christmas - Charles Brown

The final instalment from the Phil Spector Christmas Album, and an almost twin like track from Charles Brown. Many have tried, few have succeeded in bettering these tunes. The former has such a wonderful melody, you'd think even the likes of Bon Jovi, Mariah Carey and Hanson couldn't maul it. Similarly with the Vandross and Jon Bon Jovi (somebody STOP HIM!!) covers of the latter. And then you give yourself a slap for being so naive. There's no bombast, no sheen, just pure soul from start to finish.

From: A Christmas Gift For You / Please Come Home For Christmas

Released: 1963 / 1960

Purple Snowflakes - Marvin Gaye

Just adding new lyrics to Gaye's Pretty Little Baby (cheating, basically...), however seeing as its Marvin, we can let that one go.....

From

Released: 1964

A Christmas Duel - The Hives and Cyndi Lauper

Now, if you think Fairytale had a bit of spice to it, feast on this.....

"I bought no gifts this year and I slept with your sister I know I should have thought twice Before I kissed her But with the year we had last And the dress that she wore I just went along for the ride And I came back for more And I'm sorry baby..... That's all ok honey cause see... I bought no tree this year And I slept with your brother I wrecked your Daddy's car And went down on your Mother. I set your record collection on fire And said I never knew"

....Happy Holidays!

From : Single

Released: 2008

White Wine In The Sun - Tim Minchin

Touching amalgamation of a critique of the commercial debasement of the season, probing of the equally nefarious institutions who purport to own it, and a celebration of family and the people that matter. And for me its about how you convince a child of a sense of permanence when everything seems to be falling apart. You will laugh. You will cry.

From: Single

Released: 2008

Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis - Tom Waits

From: Used Songs

Released: 2001

Listening To Otis Redding At Home During Christmas - Okkervil River

From: Don't Fall In Love With Everyone You See

Released: 2002

Two tunes that really just have the word Christmas in them, and there the seasonal connection ends. But they're both beautifully melancholic, which probably makes them the most Christmassy of the lot.

Ain't No Christmas in the Projects - Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings

Just RIP. That is all.....

From: Its A Holday Soul Party

Released: 2015

And there we have it - and I look forward to adding to this selection with gems yet to be offered. Just remember, a Christmas song isn't just for Christmas....well, clearly it is, by definition, but what I'm trying to say is the MESSAGE is universal, and if we all just remember what the Christmas season is really all about, and come together as one ...........are you all still there? Is this thing on.....?