Now That’s What I Call A Cynical Merchandising Ploy, OR My Bloody F***ing B*****d Valentine

I’m not naive enough to be in any way surprised at the fact that there has been a preponderance of advertising for love / Valentine themed compilation albums of late – but do they have to be a) universally shit and b) universally more tenuously linked to their subject matter than Amy Childs is to the use of the English language? Oh yes please Mr ‘The Man’, I think an album of Nepalese nose flute cover versions of Elton John tracks will really let Shoshana / Bevis know exactly what the television tells me I should feel about her / him!

And yes, I will then also buy the same record again through the year in its various guises of Now That’s What I Call A Nepalese Nose Flute/Elton John Mother’s Day/Easter/Father’s Day/ Second Thursday In August!!

Therefore to redress the balance, let’s have a selection of tunes which encompass, as Bill Bailey so aptly put it, “all aspects of love…….betrayal, hatred and depression”.

...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead – Mistakes And Regrets

You might expect something less than saccharine from this lot - and you'd be right.

Sample lyric -

If I could make a list

I'd put your name on top

Of my mistakes and regrets

and every line after it

Because every inch of hope

Becomes a world of shame

I've had to walk through

Each and every day

The Beautiful South – Your Father And I

As ever with TBS, this slanted and acerbic lyrical duel is housed in a gentle, poppy coating, but isn't at home to Mr. Snuggles tonight. Nor perhaps ever.

Sample Lyric -

It was the middle of winter

And I drove us in my car

The snow started falling

So we stopped off at a bar

The beer started flowing

And your mother and I took the floor

But by the last dance we were tired

So I booked a room next door

So if anyone asks you

If you come from Heaven above

You're from a one star hotel

With a five star passionate love

It was a hot summers day

And we drove there in our car

And your father was thirsty

So we had to find a bar

Well he wouldn't stop drinking

And he couldn't stand on his feet

We had to walk to a hotel

And book ourselves into a suite

So if the teacher asks you

Are you from Heaven or are you from Hell

You're from a one star drunken screw

In a one star motel

Yes if the teacher asks you

Are you from Heaven or are you from Hell

You're from a pitch black toilet

In a highway Taco Bell

Joe Jackson – Happy Loving Couples

Yes, this is pretty much just a slightly less great version of Is She Really Going Out With Him?, but it fits this theme better, ok......

Sample lyric -

Happy loving couples make it look so easy

Happy loving couples always talk so kind

Until the time that I can do my dancing with a partner

Those happy couples ain't no friends of mine

You ain't no friends of mine

You know what I mean

Happy loving couples

In matching white polo-necked sweaters

Reading Ideal Homes magazine

Simon & Garfunkel – I Am A Rock

Small confession - I am in the midst of a small S&G obsession after watching a BBC documentary the other week. They were, indisputably, awesome. They were in that rare breed of 'group' who were both humongously massive and deserved to be. Happily, Paul Simon also had a way with a song-writing where the music often masked the fact that the lyric came not so much straight from the heart as it did from the heart of the index finger (raised).

Sample Lyric -

Don't talk of love,

But I've heard the words before;

It's sleeping in my memory.

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.

If I never loved I never would have cried.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

I have my books

And my poetry to protect me;

I am shielded in my armor,

Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.

I touch no one and no one touches me.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;

And an island never cries.

Walker Brothers – No Regrets

Simple, and to the point. Possibly the last time that could be ascribed to a record with Scott Walker's name attached to it, but that's another story. Sample Lyric -

No regrets

No tears goodbye

Don't want you back

We'd only cry again

Say goodbye again

The Antlers – I Don't Want Love

From a record that was in the 'nearly but not quite' section of my 'Best of 2011' blog, but a tune which falls squarely within the sights of this one, and even squeezed out the (too) similarly titled I Don't Want Your Love by Duran Duran. Sample Lyric -

If I leave before you,

And I walk out alone,

Keep your hands to yourself

When you follow me home.

I don’t want love.

I don’t want love.

Suede – Another No One [Remastered]

Probably no shock to see Suede in here - bleak, nasty, decaying love is something of a staple of theirs ; this b-side captures their sense of aching melodrama perfectly.

Sample Lyric -

Yes it's the end, the final showdown Yes it's the end of our small love You'll have to find another no one to take the shit like I have

The Wonder Stuff – Unfaithful

A fine example of the often twisted and scabrous pen of Miles Hunt, finding depths of deception and betrayal in the mundane and domestic. Sample Lyric -

So it's back to the house and the wife and the kids It's high time that she realised But no, no it doesn't show It was lucky I brought my disguise Well if things never change I'll be back there again I dare say there's some good in the bad Deceit is a friend I've embraced him with ease I missed out some of the chances I've had

Sinead O'Connor – Last Day Of Our Acquaintance

There were many more tracks which could have been taken from "I Do Not Want What I Have Not Got" which would fit the bill, but this matter of fact mixing of the administrative detail and the lasting scars of a divorce is affecting and moving.

Sample Lyric -

this is the last day of our acquaintance

I will meet you later in somebody's office

I'll talk but you won't listen to me

I know what your answer will be

I know you don't love me anymore

you used to hold my hand when the plane took off

two years ago there just seemed so much more

and I don't know what happened to our love

today's the day, our friendship has been stale

and we will meet later to finalise the details

two years ago the seed was planted and since then you have taken me for granted

Jeff Buckley – Forget Her

He was never one to understate his feelings our Jeff...... Sample Lyric -

her love is a rose dead and dying dropping her petals and man I know all full of wine the world before her but sober with no place to go don't fool yourself she was heartache from the moment that you met her my heart is frozen still as i try to find the will to forget her somehow she's somewhere out there now oh my tears fall down as i tried to forget the love was a joke from the day that we met all of the words all of her men all of my pain when i think back to when remember her hair as it shone in the sun it was there on the bed when i knew what she'd done tell yourself over and over you wont ever need her again

Spiritualized- Broken Heart

Rarely has feeling sorry for yourself been given such a beautiful accompaniment..... Sample Lyric -

And I'm wasted all the time

I've gotta drink you right off of my mind

I've been told that this will heal given time

Lord I have a broken heart

And I'm crying all the time

I have to keep it covered up with a smile

And I'll keep on moving on for a while

Lord I have a broken heart

Okkervil River – Love To A Monster

I was massively spoilt for choice when considering an Okkervil River tune for this selection - the infidelity wrangling of Maine Island Lovers or Hanging From A Hit, the desolate minutiae of Yellow, the cynical defeatism of It Ends With A Fall.....the entire contents of the album Don't Fall In Love With Everyone You See ? Nah, only one winner here, the best anti-love song, the best sting in the tail, the best everything. No samples, just the lyric -

Lover, now that you've left me, I'm glad you're unlovely.

Because if you could take all the heat in your heart and just hang it from you,

I wouldn't be able to bear the way you cannot love me.

It's much easier of me make a monster out of you.

And so here I go, substituting the glow from your temples,

all our sighs and our trembles, and each last letter sent you

from the cheap little pen of this weak little man

- the one singing - out his jangling, ringing

and hopefully stinging attack upon you.

Yeah, so here I go, just exploding the hope we'll be speaking

some day, years from now, seeking friendship and understanding.

Yeah, I hope you get angry, and hurt, and have the hardest of landings.

And i hope your new man thinks of me when he sees what a number I did on you.

I grow tired of this song, Turn my eyes

to the blonde in the bleachers.

She's a lovely young creature.

I think she's seeking adventure.

I think she's ready to see that the world isn't so sweet or so tender.

I won't break her, just bend her, and make her into my new ringer for you.

I stay in the same comfy town, write the same old songs down, drive the same streets,

seek the same sense of dull peace, whisper the same sweet words to the chippies.

The same walk by the road and where the same muddy snow's finally leaving,

But I'll fight off the spring; I don't want lovely things,

I don't want the earth new.

Elvis Costello & The Attractions – Good Year For The Roses

There are several versions of this song, often mistaken for a Costello original as the lyric is so very Costello-like in its detail, wit and sharp personal observation. Sample Lyric -

I can hardly bear the sight of lipstick on the cigarettes there in the ashtray

Lyin' cold the way you left 'em, but at least your lips caressed them while

you packed

Or the lip-print on a half-filled cup of coffee that you poured and didn't drink

But at least you thought you wanted it, that's so much more than I can say

for me

The White Stripes – You Don’t Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You’re Told)

Any lyric which uses the line "And I hate to sound cold, But" gets in automatically, as it channels the spirit of Bill Hicks a la "I don't mean to sound bitter cold, or cruel, but I am so that's how it comes out". And you know, even on Valentine's day, someone is saying that to someone else who is expecting a card, and is going to get something else..... They're lying too.

Sample Lyric -

Yeah, you don't know what love is,

You do as you're told.

Just as a child of ten might act,

But you're far too old.

You're not hopeless, or helpless,

And I hate to sound cold,

But you don't know what love is,

You just do as you're told.

The Wedding Present – Brassneck

David Gedge's story of a regretted love letter explained and justified perfectly encapsulates the movement from dejection to a melancholic puffing out of the chest. Might as well get on with things, eh..... Sample Lyric -

I just decided I don't trust you anymore

I just decided I don't love you anymore

I just know, you weren't listening, were you?

Oh please go, whenever you'd prefer to

I said it means a lot, when you use an old phrase

But then so what? We cant have it both ways

"Weird Al" Yankovic – One More Minute

You know what you're going to get here. It's just brilliantly observed as a pastiche, and gloriously over the top.

Sample Lyric -

That's right (that's right), you ain't gonna see me cryin'

I'm glad (I'm glad), that you found somebody new

'Cause I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass

Than spend one more minute with you

....

Oh so honey, let me help you with that suitcase

You ain't (you ain't), gonna break my heart in two

'Cause I'd rather, get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face

Than spend one more minute with you

I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork

Than watch you going out with other men

I'd rather slam my fingers in a door

Again and again and again and again and again

.....

I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches

Shove an icepick under a toenail or two

I'd rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue

Than spend, one more minute, with you

Yes, I'd rather jump naked, on a huge pile of thumbtacks

Or stick my nostrils, together with crazy glue

I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades

Than spend one more minute with you

I'd rather rip my heart right out of my ribcage with my bare hands

And then throw it on the floor and stomp on it till I die

Than spend one more minute with you

The Mountain Goats – No Children

Ok, we're going to get quite dark now - don't let the jaunty intro fool you..... Sample lyric -

In my life

I hope I lie,

And tell everyone you were a good wife,

And I hope you die,

I hope we both die.

.....

And I hope when you think of me years down the line

You can't find one good thing to say,

And I hope that if I found the strength to walk out

You'd stay the hell out of my way.

I am drowning,

There is no sign of land;

You are coming down with me,

Hand in unloveable hand,

And I hope you die,

I hope we both die.

Harry Nilsson – You're Breakin' My Heart

Seems strange that the romantic genius that produced Without You was also responsible for this. Did I say strange? I meant perfectly normal and necessary.

Sample Lyric -

You stepped on my ass

You're breaking my glasses too

You wanna drive my car

Buy a lot of stuff

I've had enough of you

I'm goin' insane

There's no one to blame

So fuck you

You've gotta have your way

There's nothin' left to say

There's nothin' left to do

You're breakin' my heart

You're tearin' it apart

So fuck you

Ben Folds Five – Song For The Dumped

Taking a leaf out Harry's book lyrically and melodically, this is a stomping, joyous kiss-off which is the quintessence of bitterness. Sample Lyric -

So you wanted

to take a break

slow it down some and

have some space

well fuck you too

Give me my money back

give me my money back

you bitch

I want my money back

And don't forget

And don't forget

to give me back my black T-shirt

I wish I hadn't bought you dinner

right before you

dumped me on your front porch

The Magnetic Fields – How Fucking Romantic

Simple spoken word pieces can be as impactful as anything musical when they're delivered with this level of resignation and disgust. Sample Lyric -

How fucking romantic

Must we really waltz?

Drag another cliche

Howling from the vaults

Paul Simon – 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover

The title alone is enough to qualify this track, but whilst it isn't the most savage attack ever delivered, I just like it for the subtle undertones of transgression in the plaintive words.

Sample Lyric -

She said it grieves me so

To see you in such pain

I wish there was something I could do

To make you smile again

I said I appreciate that

And would you please explain

About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both

Just sleep on it tonight

And I believe in the morning

You'll begin to see the light

And then she kissed me

And I realized she probably was right

There must be fifty ways

To leave your lover

Gang Of Four – Love Like Anthrax

Juxtaposing the sung lyric with a mini-essay backing up the sentiments, this is a howl of contemptuous bile and spittle. Discordant musically and emotionally. Sample Lyric -

And I feel like a beetle on its back

And there's no way for me to get up

Love'll get you like a case of anthrax

And that's something I don't want to catch

Bob Dylan – Love Sick

Whilst I could have just gone straight to Blood On The Tracks for examples, I have always loved the straight-ahead kick in the teeth of this track. Sample Lyric-

I'm sick of love, I wish I'd never met you

Wham! – Everything She Wants - Remix

George Michael showing the subtle misogyny that kept him in the closet for all that time. Ouch!!! Sample Lyric -

All the things we sign

And the things we buy

Ain't gonna keep us together

Girl it's just a matter of time

Elliott Smith – Somebody That I Used To Know

We all, whether we like it or not, are interested to some degree or other about what your ex might feel or think about you. Here Elliott Smith gets his retaliation in first. Sample Lyric -

I had tender feelings that you made hard

But it's your heart, not mine, that's scarred

So when I go home I'll be happy to go

You're just somebody that I used to know

You don't need my help anymore

It's all now to you, there ain't no before

Now that you're big enough to run your own show

You're just somebody that I used to know

Billy Bragg – Valentine's Day Is Over

Arguably the least romantic singing voice you could find, coupled with a story of the realisation that the mechanics of a relationship is failing.

Sample Lyric -

Thank you for the things you bought me thank you for the card

Thank you for the things you taught me when you hit me hard

That love between two people must be based on understanding

Until that's true you'll find your things

All stacked out on the landing, surprise, surprise

Marvin Gaye – You Can Leave, But It's Going To Cost You

From the Uber-Hyper-Super-Mega Daddy of all breakup albums, Here My Dear, the album started off as a contractual obligation filler to pay the divorce settlement, and to steal from John Oliver and The Bugle podcast, became less a eulogy to a failed marriage than a 'fuck you'-logy to a wife, father in law and label boss. This track sits alongside other notable gems such as Is That Enough?, Anger, and When Did You Stop Loving Me , When Did I Stop Loving You?

Sample Lyric -

But some said...

You can leave,

But it's going to cost you...

She said... (Yeah)

You can leave,

But it's going to cost you...

....

The lawyers worked so hard

Tryin' to take my riches

Tryin' to sell my home.

Tryin' to take my life

And my child too, you don't care

....

You can't have happiness

Until you break me

and make me happy too baby

you can leave, but it's going to cost you

you can't have peace of mind, until I get mine

you can leave but it's going to cost you Marvin

You can't have no jewelry

think about them first

you can leave but it's going to cost you, Marvin

Ohio Players – Our Love Has Died

Suitably smoky ballad, an almost Gothic-funk replete with deathly imagery.

Sample Lyric -

your cold words stay on my mind

the tombstone that I placed on your finger must be raised

because our love has died

John Grant – Queen Of Denmark

Anguished and melodramatic, the title track of Grant's 2010 album delivers devastating blows left, right and centre, yet does so with G inherent sense of twisted humour intact.

Sample Lyric -

You put me in this cage and threw away the key

It was this 'us and them' shit that did me in

You tell me that my life is based upon a lie

I casually mention that I pissed in your coffee

I hope you know that all I want from you is sex

To be with someone who looks smashing in athletic wear

And if your haircut isn't right you'll be dismissed

Get your walking papers and you can leave now

Don't know what to want from this world

I really don't know what to want from this world

I don't know what it is you want to want from me

You really have no right to want anything from me at all

Why don't you take it out on somebody else?

Why don't you bore the shit out of somebody else?

Why don't you tell somebody else that they're selfish?

A weakling coward, a pathetic fraud

R.E.M. – The One I Love

To finish....keeping it simple. Focusing on the title and the hook of the first line led American radio to make this a big hit and for it to actually appear on some love compilation albums. There's a lot to be said for actually listening to a lyric properly.

Sample Lyric -

This one goes out to the one I left behind

A simple prop to occupy my time

And so there we go........NOW GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!